I Wish I Never Learned To Read
by San Ookamitora
Summary: Arendelle have now set up their own network, and Anna, Elsa, Kristoff, Olaf and Sven all decide to discover the Internet-Too bad nobody warned them about FanFiction...RATED T for mild Smut and Randomness. Please Review before you Sue!
1. Chapter 1

**Just a little thing I came up with! Enjoy!**

Kristoff stared blankly at his neon screen, his heavy hand hovering above the mouse. One wrong move and there would be a virus.

Ever since Arendelle had gotten it's own WiFi network, many of the citizens had stayed indoors, too busy with work, or leisure. Kristoff had noticed that sales in ice had gone up again as well as carrots, zucchinis and Oaken was all out of hand lotion.

As the screen loaded Kristoff logged into Gargle search and into Abay.

The perfect pink rose quartz bracelet stared back at him. Even at such an outrageous price, it would be the greatest gift for his girlfriend, Anna.

Suddenly a high voice made him jump out of his furs.

"Whatcha doin?"

"AGH! Good God, Anna don't ever do that to me again!"

Anna giggled. "Sorry," she said fiddling with an auburn braid, "just wanted to say Hi!" She peered at his computer server. "What's that?" Kristoff instantly clicked the ex, his heart racing. He didn't want to spoil the surprise. "UGH, Nothing. It's Nothing! Just a-thing. I need to buy."

"Oh come on! You can tell me!" Anna teased. "Seems like there's a lot of stuff people are buying from the web these days. I saw Kai sneaking a suspicious package into his quarters the other day."

"Oh really? How suspicious?" grinned her fiancee.

"Well, it was long and there was a bow and card...and it was..." Anna got nearer to him, "oddly light."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah." said Anna melting like the ice he carried, as she always did when he looked at her like that. As the couple's lips met there was a Ahem! from the doorway. The two pulled apart abruptly to see a radiant looking Queen Elsa, with her hair in a braid and wearing a sky blue gown.

"Oh, Elsa!" gasped Anna, "I thought you were asleep!"

"I just rose," the cold queen smirked, "anyway it looks like you too were having more fun without me."

"Elsa that's crazy," said Anna leading her older sister toward the computer. "Isn't this great? Everyone loves the kingdom's new WiFi Network!"

"So I see. Hey listen, the reason I came in is because someone wanted to see you."

The sound of squelchy, crushed snow, was heard as Olaf waddled in carrying a red wagon full of books and some reading glasses, closely followed by Sven who had more dangling from his antlers.

"Hey Guys! How is everyone doing?!"

"Olaf!" giggled Anna as she rushed to kiss the snowman's head, "We're great have you been online too?"

"Yep! And I downloaded these cool new songs. Not like the ones they sing in the churches here. I got Nir-nirv? Ah, I can't really pronounce it, but it's awesome! Sven likes the ones about animals don't you Sven?" Sven nodded his head and breathed a sound of agreement causing ice cold mist to come out of his nostrils, "We found one about a snake!"

"That sounds wonderful Olaf!" said Anna clapping her hands. I found this thing called Twitter. I think it's where you get to talk to birds! If Snow White can do it I don't see why I can't!"

"I found out about this great website you can watch moving pictures on," said Elsa. "It's pretty amazing actually, people can comment on my singing."

"You been doing some reading buddy?" said Kristoff picking up one of Olaf's books.

"Oh yeah! That reminds me! I've been to the library. I found the greatest thing EVUR!"

"Hmmmm, so that's why I found ice water dripping from the shelves and hoof-prints in the hall," said Elsa.

Olaf giggled nervously. "Look!" He jumped up handing one to Anna. It was all white, with the pages looking very recent. They had been printed not hand written. Anna flicked through the pages, "Ooh, what's this?"

"I found out about it when I was on the line!" Olaf beamed, "they're FanFictions!"

"What is that?" asked Elsa, "literature classics written by fans and admirers?"

"Better!" said Olaf "they're fictions written by fans!"

Elsa's face changed. "Oh My."

"Come on! Look one up Kristoff!" Olaf pushed the revolving chair into the desk, slamming Kristoff into it in the process. "There's lots to see."

"Ugh. Fine, fine." His sausage fingers began typing, " F...A...N...F...I...C...T...I...O...N..." *click*

Within seconds, hundreds of results came up. In different categories, genres and styles each with their own pictures.

"Wow..." breathed Anna, "there are so many of them!" Kristoff scrolled down. "They all have such weird profile names." he said.

"Look!" Anna pointed, "there's my name! And a picture!"

Kristoff stopped on a story with Anna's picture and name. It was called, "Red Fury,". "The story of Anna as she lives her life in Arendelle growing up without her sister. Anna is a determined girl who is sad as her sister has ice powers. Until she discovers she has Fire Powers! And a second sister-self insert yaoi fanfic, if you don't like DON'T READ! Rate and review."

"How the heck did they know about my ice powers?" questioned Elsa, looking around for devices or bugs.

"Luck I guess," said Anna, "Ooh, I have fire powers! How exciting! I'd love to read it!"

"Well, dream on kiddo said Kristoff, "'cause we're not reading it."

"Awwww, whyyyyy?!"

"Because these things are weird-once you read them you can't forget them!"

Elsa returned to Anna's side. "He's right Anna, I have heard about these places. They are to dangerous to venture, you may never find your way out!"

Anna's face fell. "I wanted to see if I could melt through walls!"

"I'll melt you!" laughed Elsa, tickling her sister who broke into hysterics. "You can't melt me, you're made of ice!"

"What the-!"

Kristoff had stopped dead. Both sisters turned to see what was wrong. I'M on here!" Sure enough there was a picture of Kristoff, his chest sticking out, his hair flowing. He was feeding a carrot to Sven was behind him-naked.

"Ooh. Well." giggled Elsa.

"It's not funny!" growled Kristoff, "it's embarrassing!"

"Oh cheer up!" said Anna "No one can see your privates!"

"They can see the rest of me can't they?"

"I told you this was weird," remarked Elsa.

"Oh! Read that one!" said Olaf who they practically forgot was in the same room, "that's a good one!"

Even though he sensed he would regret it, Kristoff moved the white bow and arrow across the screen and clicked. The first chapter appeared as Kristoff read aloud and the others listened.

" _KRISTOFF AND SVEN: THE EARLY YEARS. CHAPTER 1. Kristoff had a simple childhood_. Raised by _creatures of the snowy rocky mountains. Living in their life, their culture. Collecting crystals an_ d _stealing_ pebbles-" Kristoff chuckled. "I don't see what's so bad about this!" he read on, _"Kristoff would often fall asleep looking up at the stars in the heavens and dreamed of being a prince with a mighty white steed-or black-he wasn't racist-and they would ride into the northern lights. Yes, life w_ as _going pretty easy for Kristoff. Until he met Sven..."_

The reindeer's ears pricked up as he heard his name. He clopped his way over to them, resting his muzzle on his friend's shoulder.

" _Sven complicated things. He had found him trapped in a hunter's snare in the woods one day and had take him home out of pity. During the time they spent together as children, they grew a close friendship together."_ The girls awwed and Sven mowed.

 _"When Kristoff and Sven grew into their teenage years, his family expected him to become a man, marry a wife, do something with it. But Kristoff wanted nothing more than to just stroll through the woods...naked. The berry bushes...pounding against his...berry bush."_ Kristoff turned round to try and silence an uncontrollable Anna and Elsa.

"I can't help it!" Anna said, "it's just so funny!"

"Yeah!" agreed Elsa.

"Hey! Read on read on!" begged Olaf. Kristoff continued.

 _"Kristoff was washing his face in a forest str_ eam _one day, staring at his perfect reflection and watching as little water droplets ran down his shiny muscular back like diamonds mined from the eyes of angels-_ Shut up Anna- _he regained his posture and continued through the woods when he heard something stir. He whipped round. Out of the trees emerged a mighty creature. His name was Sven. He had grown large antlers and a summer coat. His eyes black as coal. He was so... majestic." "I haven't seen you in a long time buddy," Kristoff told the animal, "Nor I you friend," the reindeer replied. "You must think me rude. To bathe here." The reindeer's hooves pulled his face close to him. "No my love-I do not."_

 _"The two brought each other closer to Sven's-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHH!"_

"What is it?!" asked Anna. "OH MY GOD!" yelled Kristoff. Sven stood there looking confused. Anna read over Kristoff's shoulder. "OH. Ha heh! Ooooh. Tee hee!"

Elsa read over too, "Oh lord that's disgusting! Olaf! Olaf! Why do you read this horrible stuff?"

Olaf looked innocent. "I don't, I just saw him naked on the front and thought it would be good!"

"Are you kidding me!" Kristoff exclaimed.

"That's enough of that!" said Anna closing the story, "have you got anything else?"

"Hm!" Olaf pulled out another manuscript from his tiny wagon. "This! It's called "My darling Winter Flower."

"Oh, that sounds lovely!" sighed Anna, "so romantic..." She opened to a random page, "Anna awoke in bed with her husband in her embrace." Kristoff looked up. " _She indulged in the cosy warm feeling of both their bodies, cuddled up, the_ silken sheets falling off of them."

"Where do you even find this?" Elsa questioned Olaf.

"I told you, in the library, people have been submitting a whole bunch of them!"

" _The young red haired beauty wondered if she should awake to greet the incoming ships. It was daylight and they would be expecting the Princess or royalty to make a formal welcome. Oh well, Elsa would do it! Besides, she wanted a little more time in bed with her-citron prince aux cheveux."_

"What does that mean?" asked Olaf. "It means lemon haired prince," Anna answered, "I have been studying French since last year." She read on, _"Anna ducked away under the bedsheets as Kristoff reacted to her movements, stirring and smiling in his sleep. The princess ducked under and soon sat atop him. Her backed arched like a myrtle tree..."_ Anna stopped, and paused to laugh. "Oh dear! It's really rude!"

"It's quite personal to actually," remarked Kristoff, "invasion of people's private lives."

"Something to tell me Kristoff?" Elsa said arms folded.

"No, Your Highness," laughed Kristoff, "me and my strawberry haired girlfriend have not engaged in any sexual activities." Then he muttered under his breath, "since last night..."

"I got one for you too, Elsa." said Olaf handing her a navy novel.

"Oh, er. No thank you Olaf. It's sweet of you, but I don't think this is my kind of hobby."

"Aw, come on Elsa!" said Olaf making a cute face. "Yeah come on sis!" laughed Anna. Sven offered her a pair of reading glasses from his antler which although she hesitated soon accepted and opened the book.

"What does it say?" asked Anna.

 _"Every night, the Queen of Ice and Snow Elsa would awake to gaze at the moon from her crystal tower wondering if she would ever find love. Her heart was made of ice but her soul was as clear and precious as the water that woke her up as it dripped from her melting ceiling. Her crisp, clear blue eyes rivaled that of the stars who's beauty looked down upon the Earth from above. One day, Elsa thought. One day, she would join them in perfect ha_ rmony _after she chose a lover to hold her when the moon shone bright._ " Elsa sighed and closed the book holding it to her chest. Kristoff applauded, Olaf whistled, Sven bowed and Anna wiped a tear. "That was beautiful Elsa!"

"Yeah. Maybe I have misjudged this FanFiction item. It is actually very touching. I do feel like this sometimes." She opened the book to a different page and then gasped.

" _The young ice attendant Kristoff stood before the Queen who had stripped down to her lingerie and was standing with a cane of ice in her white palms. "Bend over my servant!" she commanded. "As you wish Your Excellency!" replied her slave. Kristoff bent over and allowed her to-_ GRRRR!" Elsa threw the book down in agitation. "That's complete lies!" She screamed, her glasses flying off her face. "I'm NOT a kinky self-centred dominating lustful-GAH!"

"Calm down Elsa."

"I can't Anna, they've painted a picture of me I do not wish to indulge in."

"Welcome to my world," muttered Kristoff.

"If only people could just keep their sick fantasies to themselves!" said Elsa, "if they did there would be more people outside today."

"Um, Elsa?"

"Yes Kristoff?"

"You better take a look at this-you too Anna."

The two girls looked at each other and approached the computer cautiously as though it were some sort of hideous monster on the verge of attack. On the screen, Kristoff had discovered a new story; one with both sisters of the front. It was a beautifully artistic drawing, as though the greatest Scandinavian artist had the Internet as his canvas.

Except they weren't holding hands, or hugging or dancing or playing together or standing back to back or dressed for a party or comforting each other. Nothing that indicated sisterly love.

Though there was love alright. Passion, skin and pink lips. It was a drawing of Anna kissing Elsa's neck and touching her breasts.

"OH." said Anna.

"MY GOD!" Elsa finished. "What? What the-What what IS THIS?!"

All three turned to Olaf. "Don't look at me!" he said throwing up his twigs, "I think trolls write them. "

"Oh for GODS SAKE GRANDPABBY!" Kristoff griped.

There was a sudden clicking sound from the machine.

"KRISTOFF!"

"What?! It was an accident! I didn't mean to press it! I swear! Lets read some it."

"Are you crazy?!" gasped Anna.

"Yeah, a little. Besides maybe it's not what we think it is."

He scrolled down the texts and the sisters read together.

" _No soul in Arendelle had ever seen or known of their secret. Not one guard, servant, chambermaid or gardener knew of their secret meetings." Anna said._

 _"Since they were young they had always been so close with each other," Elsa continued, "playing, laughing, partying, watching. Anna had seen that her sister had grown into a beautiful irradescent being. And Elsa knew Anna was a spirited sprite from a hideaway forest."_

Kristoff groaned. The girls stared at him but ignored him and continued.

" _On the dates of their 18th and 21st birthdays the girls had decided to celebrate it in style-with a secret...tantalising...make-out session...behind the doors of their bedroom."_ Anna said her facial features distorting in disgust. "Ew."

" _There was nothing Elsa liked more than the sweet smelling taste of Anna's lips and her soft_ -Okay, you know what?! Turn it off! Turn it off! That's disgusting!"

"Why?" asked Olaf.

"That's my sister!" shouted Anna, "I love her but certainly not like that!"

"Where the hell would someone get such a crazy idea!?" snapped Elsa, "that's incestuous and wrong!"

"Okay-but I promise you it wasn't my idea," said Olaf, "some people just have their own unique take on things!"

"WHAT?!" the sisters roared together, "Olaf-that's my little sister!" Elsa cried, "these people are sick."

"Well, half the site is filled with this same story category." chimed in Kristoff. "Alright! Fine. Excuse me, I'm going back to bed, Good evening everyone." Elsa curtsied and marched out of the room-but she quickly returned, retrieving the book she had thrown on the ground, "and I'm taking this with me!"

Olaf stood there with Sven rolling his eyes awkwardly. "Um. I'll go, put these back," he said leading the reindeer outside, "bye you two."

"Put them in the fire!" Kristoff barked as the wagon disappeared from view. "Well. That was. Strange." said Anna.

"Yes. It was," agreed Kristoff. "Oh well. Might as well tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"About the present I was ordering you. For our anniversary."

"Awwww, baby!" Anna threw her arms around him. "Is it the new Kindle Ice?!"

Kristoff froze momentarily. "Uh, yes. Yes it is."

Well, there ya go! Don't forget to like, dislike, review, ignore, spam, report, love, rate or Follow my strange story! :)

What's the craziest Frozen fic you've ever read? :D


	2. Bonus Chapter

**Just a little non-profit bonus chapter requested by zzzeus11.**

 **Enjoy! :) Please review! I will give you a prize...**

 **...okay there is no prize :( Just, ya know. Be a good person *weeps silently* Oh well, here's my story!**

Kristoff lay asleep at his computer, the screen still lit up and glowing with pictures. As he snored, Anna entered the room.

"Kristoff!?" she called, dressed in a rose coloured shawl, "you in here?! "

Upon seeing her man slumped in his furs, hat over his eyes, drool appearing at his mouth corners, she smiled. Sven was standing looking out of the window, his hoof-prints dotting the rugs. Anna cringed and decided not to tell Elsa about Sven breaking his rules about not coming inside the castle.

"Sven. Sven!" she whispered, cautious of waking her-citron prince aux cheveux. "Sven will you go outside for a moment? I think Olaf needs help building himself some friends." She stroked his snout and he shook himself, making the bells around his back jingle. "Good boy!" she praised as he clip-clopped out of the mahogany door.

Anna smirked, locking the door and checking the latch. She took off her shoes so her lover wouldn't hear her coming and started to massage his shoulders. He chuckled in his slumber as Anna worked into his backbone and muscles. "Wakey wakey," said Anna in a sing-song voice. "Oh good-uh-good-What time is it?"

"5 o-clock. The clock in the square just chimed."

"Woah, I've been out huh?" He rose to his feet, and Anna caught a glimpse of his computer screen. There was a slim red haired girl in pink undergarments spread across his screen. She had a red rose in betwixt her teeth.

"Who's that?" she asked.

Kristoff's eyes widened and he jumped in front of her blocking the screen. "That-that uh, that's nothing, sweetheart! Just um-Some Art! From France that I was-ordering-for the palace! To brighten the walls?"

Anna peeked over his muscular shoulder. "She has her hair in two long plaits. Just like me". Then catching the glimpse of the name of the artist and the painting she gasped, "That is me!"

"Anna-I wasn't-"

She put a finger to his lips. "Sush-Sush! You talk too much! So, explain."

Kristoff gulped. "Uh, well," he said reaching for the mouse, "I found this site called Devianart and it's got some crazy photos, like uh-look at this." He opened a window of himself drawn in pastel posing nude in front of a snow-laced tree, the Northern Lights behind him, illuminating his body.

"Oh wow!" laughed Anna, "I'd have that above my bed!"

"Seriously? What about this one?"

He opened another window of the two of them carrying a small infant, the expressions on their faces warm and kind.

"Aw-" sighed Anna.

"That's not what I said!" laughed Kristoff, "a little personal don't ya think?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Not that-I wouldn't want to start a family with you-"

Anna stared. Then trying to steer the conversation into something else, she opened up the window of her. "So, what's this one called?" She checked the title, "Anna: Le belle ange". Anna the beautiful angel. That's nice. But I'm not that skinny!"

Kristoff suddenly got up and lifted her making her squeal. "You will always be MY sirené de ceriese."

"You got that from Google Translate didn't you?"

"Yup!"

The couple fell to the floor.

"Alright Kai! Load them up!" called Elsa as she ticked boxes on a piece of parchment. Kai, head servant loaded more fruits and exotic wines onto the horse and cart. "That is the last of them, Queen Elsa. We have thirty seven coconuts, 28 bananas, 15 watermelons, 60 apples, 12 bunches of grapes, 57 oranges and a single rare passion fruit."

"Perfect! This will be wonderful for trade! We might even be able to bring in some kiwis this year! Have the apples sent to Denmark, the bananas to Germany, the watermelons to Italy, grapes to Spain, coconuts to Belgium, oranges to Sweden and the passion fruit-have them send it to the Saami up in Finland. They work hard, and their children need their strength. It is custom for passion fruit to be served royally, but those people deserve it instead. If anyone argues, tell them I am the Queen and I decree it! It is my will and shall be done!"

"Yes, Your Highness!"

As Kai walked to join the other men, Elsa wrote all the rest down with a blue quill. Olaf ran up to her, startling her and making her slightly freeze the tip.

"Hey, Elsa! Can I help too?" Elsa smiled. "Olaf, I thought you were building forts with Sven. Besides this is Queenly business. It's very boring."

"I can help though!" he bellowed, "FOURTEEN HUNDRED CARROTS FOR ALL REINDEERS-EXCEPT MY NOSE!" Making Sven and a whole stampede of caribou come charging forth. Elsa gave a small shriek and formed a snow drift to which she rode out of the way.

The caribou smashed through the cart, breaking every piece of fruit except the passion. Elsa hung her head. Picking it up, she sighed, "Oh, well. At least I know some people who will be eating this soon!"

She called to Kai, "Where is Kristoff I need a new shipment of ice in!"

"Master Kristoff is engaged in romantic embrace with the Princess Your Royal Highness!"

Elsa grinned. "Right." She said walking in the direction of the palace.

"Stop! Stop!" said Anna as her partner kissed her neck. "Not here."

"Why not?"

"Someone might-AHH!" Anna suddenly caught sight of Elsa's smirking face in the window outside. Elsa stared back and raised an eyebrow. She laughed lightly as she watched the two get to their feet and brush themselves down-thankfully their clothes were still on.

Elsa opened the window and stepped inside, causing the whole room to go chilly. Elsa smiled at them both, hands folded in front of her. "Having fun were we?"

"Oh, Ah-Elsa. No, no No No, we were um-wrestling?"

"So I see. Kristoff, have you got the new shipment of ice I asked f you?"

"Certainly my Queen. Anything for you."

"Good. Anna, I need you to sign some deeds for me."

"AGAIN?!"

"Yes, it's a trade business, and it requires the Princess's signature."

Anna groaned. "Alright. I'm a-coming!" But before the two sisters could take their leave, Olaf burst into the room, filling it with powder and Sven skated in on the wooden floor.

"No no no no no! Sven, out ya go!" said Elsa trying to shove the reindeer outside and being incredibly unsuccessful.

"Hiya Guys! Guess what I found!"

"A new nose?" snapped Kristoff.

"What? Pffft! NO! MORE STORIES!"

"Oh. Great."

"I got some from all over the kingdoms, some of them we trade with!"

Upon hearing this, Elsa stopped her futile efforts to get Sven out, "What? No No! Olaf, I was quite clear about this yesterday. I don't want that kind of filth in my castle."

"Oh no Elsa, these aren't filth," Olaf pleaded, "these are really really good!" He handed them out five each to the three, who all read aloud the titles cautiously. "Beauty a la Beastialle?" said Anna.

"Snow White and her Seven Lil Slaves?" Added Kristoff.

"Peeping Beauty?" Read Elsa.

"Yeah!" giggled Olaf, "I've also got Foxy and the Hound, The Little Merhoe, Rumble in the Jungle Oh, and Aladdin's magic Lamp!"

"Really? Does a genie come out of it!" snickered Kristoff.

"Just because you're jealous of him." giggled Anna.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

Olaf opened up the book and read the synopsis. " _The Genie gave Aladdin 3 limitations to wishing whatever he desired-those limits did not include a penis enlargement, a palace full of ladies and guys and the shrinkage of Jafar!"_

"Okay, Olaf that's enough!" said Elsa warningly, "No one wants to hear any more!"

"Me personally," whispered Kristoff, "I'm more interested in The Lion Pimp!" He flicked through the pages. " _Dad Why do you have so many wives?" asked an young Simba." Then in a deep voice he said, "It's called Polygamy Simba, you'll understand when you're older!"_ Anna burst into hysterics and Elsa even struggled to hide her laughter.

"Look at this one!" said Anna, still laughing _Kenai had no problem walking around naked as he had been so used to it living as a bear. Besides, the ladies of his tribe seemed to love it!_ " Elsa failed to keep herself contained any longer and collapsed laughing too.

"You read one, Elsa!" encouraged Anna.

Elsa looked down at the paper in her hand. Should she?

"Pocahotass." she read, " _John Smith gazed into the eyes of this naked woman bathing under a waterfall. He had expected many strange sights from The New World but a horny_ naked tribal woman _wasn't one of them-_ " she laughed so loudly that Anna couldn't help but catch it like a cold.

"Wait wait!" said Kristoff "here's one! The Pervert of Notre Dame. _Quasimodo sat hunched in his tower, watching the dancing gypsy girl Esmeralda in the square earning money and delighting passer-bys. Why couldn't he interact with her like that? He was completely harmless. All he wanted to do was hold her hand...and kiss her...and sniff her hair...and tie her up!"_

"Stop! Stop! I'm going to wet myself!" laughed Elsa.

"Me too!"

"I already did!" added Olaf.

Pretty soon they had read their way through Hercules and Meg's struggles of Hercules as a Greek God who couldn't keep it in his pants, Broken China about the inner turmoil of Shang the Imperial General and his love of a young soldier Ping unaware that he was really female, and even the much loved classic Wreck-U Ralph!

"Maybe fanfictions aren't as bad as I thought!" commented Elsa, "they're actually quite funny-Hold on. What's this?"

"Just a minute Elsa! I'm about to read Tangled up in Love about the beautiful Rapunzel and the service of men through her hair."

"Princess Rapunzel? Of Germany. The one we trade with? NO! That's sick she's a lovely girl! She came to my coronation remember?!"

"It's not real Elsa! Relax it's just a story!"

"Yeah but Punzie sure won't like it. It's unprofessional."

"I'm so blogging about this!" Olaf squealed. "You are not blogging to anybody!" snapped Elsa. She found the copy of the story she was previously going to show. "Heart of Ice."

"Ohhhhh! Sounds like it's about you Elsa!" said Anna.

"Come on. Read it out!" said Kristoff.

"Anna and Kristoff are living happily together, but Kristoff wants something more. He remembers Elsa, ice is his life and decides to reveal his true feelings for her. An affair ensues. Meanwhile Hans and the Duke of Wessleton have "unfinished business" to attend to."

Everyone went deadly silent. Elsa read on. _"It was midnight when Kristoff Bjorgman approached the palace of ice, the aurora staining the sky. He climbed the glass staircase, stared at the crystal walls, opened the watery door. She was there, at the top of an ice staircase, wearing a robe of aquamarine, her hair in a platinum plait. Her eyes were ice. Pure, cold and beautiful. Kristoff was easily lost in them. She was a siren luring him to her bed chamber. He was snow-blind, following her up so willingly. Elsa had never had another man in her castle before. This was her chance. She threw him to her satin sheets, and her dress melted away revealing her soft supple-"_ she stopped, silently reading in her head. Then without warning her fingers flushed blue and her face burned.

"What's wrong Elsa?" asked a panicked Anna.

Elsa screamed in anger, her body glowing sharp blue light and her hands spouting snowflakes, she left abruptly swishing her cape creating a gust of bitter freezing cold wind and white footprints staining the hallway's carpet. All Anna and Kristoff could do was stand there awkwardly as Olaf and Sven chased after her sister.

"That was-interesting." Anna said.

"Yep." was all Kristoff could say, "I think that's enough fanfiction for one day!"

Elsa had retreated to her bedroom where she lay across her quedn-sized bed on her laptop. A friend request came in from Jack Frost. Elsa read his profile. "UGH, FINALLY! Someone who knows how I feel. I'm definitely adding you, I could use a friend to chat to-" suddenly something caught her eye.

"OLAAAAF! called Elsa, "IT'S RAPUNZEL FROM GERMANY! SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHY THERE IS A BLOG POST ONLINE ABOUT HER "SEXY MAGIC HAIR?!"

Sorry if this one was long! Juat couldn't help mysrlf!


	3. Chapter 3

**Well, looks like this isn't going to be a One-Shot story after all! Get used to it folks!**

"Do you think Elsa's okay?" Anna asked while stacking cards up on the table in the great hall.

"She'll be fine. She's as hard as ice," Kristoff replied watching Sven attempting to balance a Jack onto a spade with his mouth.

I don't know," said Anna attempting to mirror Sven by carefully placing a club on top of the spade. The last time she acted like this, I had accidentally changed her password for BuzzFeed. What is a BuzzFeed anyway? Is that a type of food you give to bees to make honey?"

"Probably,"Kristoff slid in a King. "I think it's important to keep in mind Elsa has had these powers her whole life. I think she has found a way to control it by now."

"Never say that to her, it'll make things worse. She might freeze my head again. Anyway it only flares up in times of great stress."

"Oh so like Herpes?"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"Hey Anna!" said Olaf throwing open the large door as he entered and triggering the cards to plummet, "Kristoff! We found Elsa!"

"You did?"

"Where was she?"

"Upstairs in her room. She locked the door on us, so I asked her if she wanted to build me!"

"Build you?" asked Anna in confusion. "Well, that's always what you suggest!" Olaf replied, "Oh cool! Are we playing cards? I wanna build an ice castle!"

As Sven eagerly joined him, Kristoff and Anna glanced at each other and grinned. Now was there chance. "This goes here, this goes there, this goes-Hey where are you guys going?"

"Just to check on Elsa! We'll be back in a few minutes!"

"Oh. Okay! One...two...three...four..."

The two hurried up the stairs laughing and sushing each other. They reached Anna's room where they stayed passionately kissing for a few seconds. "No," Anna said at last, "not here. It's too obvious."

"Well, where do you suggest we go?"

Anna signalled to the broom closet opposite her room. "How about in there?"

"In there?" said Kristoff nervously, "don't you think it will be a little-cramped?" "That's the point," Anna said seductively, leading him in and closing the door. He fiddled with the lamp trying to find matches, but felt his lady's hand halt him. "No, let's leave the light off!"

"It's weird."

"But it needs new paraffin, we'll be here all day!"

"Good."

Their lips pressed against each other, they're hands fumbling with buttons and lace trying to undress the other. The giggles and sounds of soft lips exiting skin. They were completely alone...

...and then the door opened.

"Hey guys, just wanted you to come see my Ice Cas...tle."

The two lovers were standing up in awkward embrace, Anna's brazier strap showing as well as a linen dress, Kristoff's shirt half un-buttoned.

"Oh. Okay."

"Olaf! Wait!"

"It's cool you guys! I'll wait downstairs."

"Shit!" cursed Kristoff when he was out of earshot.

"Maybe we can explain to him-"

"He's a snowman Anna! How do we explain something like that to him?!"

"In a delicate less immature manner," Anna said in a narky tone.

"I'M being immature? You wanted to make-out in the same place Gerda stores away the mop!"

"Remind me to call our little make-out sessions just that!"

"What?! Store the mop?"

"No!" She pulled him out and rebuttoned his shirt for him. "I mean Gerda's Broom Closet silly perv!" The two kissed and remained that way until remembering there was a snowman down there that needed the facts of life explained to him.

As the opened the door, Olaf was sitting forlornly at the large dining table, shifting the decks of cards. Sven was sleeping in front of the fireplace snoring loudly.

"Poor guy," whispered Anna, "how are we going to tell him?"

"The same way we told him about what happens to snow in heat," Kristoff replied, "when the ice block and the sun, love each other very much-"

"Yeah, yeah but who is who?"

"I'm the ice block you're the sun!"

"Oh okay!"

"What are you guys whispering about asked a third party. The two jumped out of their skins.

"O-Olaf, Hiiiiii," said Anna acting as though nothing had happened, "how you been doing?"

"Fine I guess."

"That's great buddy!" answered Kristoff, "listen, there's something me and Anna have to tell you-about the cupboard?"

"Which cupboard? Does it lead to Narnia and the Evil Elsa?"

"What the f-No! The one upstairs! Stay off the Internet buddy!"

Olaf bit his powder white lip, "Ohh, that cupboard."

"Olaf," said Anna, "I-We are really sorry you had to see that!"

Olaf laughed. "Oh. It's okay Anna I understand!"

"You do?"

"Yeah I'm just sorry you didn't ask me to do it with you!"

The two stared incredulously at him. Did Olaf seriously just say what they think he just said? The sweet innocent Olaf who just just week asked Anna if the clouds have feelings just asked about-that."

"What do you mean?"

"Yeah! I love Hide n Seek! Why didn't you guys tell me?" then he waddled off smiling as if nothing had ever happened, leaving the two of them standing speechless, yet relieved.

Elsa sat up against her pillows, Jack's picture still on the screen.

"He asked you about what went wrong with your sister just answer the question Elsa," she told herself, but a sudden knock on the door made her close the window and her laptop instantly. "Come in!" A guard dressed in teal and navy attire offered Elsa a telegram.

"Aah, thank you Sjorn. What is the matter?"

"A telegram from Princess Rapunzel Your Majesty."

"Thank you." She opened the package up and instantly a note fell out as well as the telegram and a few photos.

"Dear Queen Elsa;

I have been offended and am feeling very much harassed by your snow friend. I suggest taking away his NetFlix Subscription.

Sincerely, Punzie.

She had signed the dot with a little heart, something cutesy and pointless which Elsa detested. The photographs were a picture of Rapunzel and her husband Prince Eugene on their honeymoon over in Arendelle with the words. "Enjoyed our time so much here! Will definitely visit next year!"

Elsa sighed. "Hand me my stress dress."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 is up! And no, this chapter isn't a gift to Jelsa Shippers!**

Elsa scrolled down her screen her head resting on her elbow. She was still annoyed she hadn't gotten a reply or even a friends request from this Jack Frost person. She guessed from his profile he may be someone worth writing to-correction-venting to.

She re-read her email to see if it sounded professional enough, although fro, the looks of this boy's bed-head of silvery hair she guessed it wouldn't matter whether she included formalities or not.

 _Dear Mr J Frost_

 _I would like to inquire a friends request from yourself, as it is so rare that one finds a person with the same struggles and tribulations as themselves. I am aware you gained your ice powers through magic. I also acquired mine through means of magic, however, I was born with them. This has neved been fully addressed, however I always just assumed my biological mother had an affair with Old Man Winter or something. I never believed by parents mythical lies of being dropped at the castle gate via a snow stork._

 _If you would be so kind as to write back to me, that would be wonderful._

 _My Highest Regards;_

 _Queen Elsa of Arendelle, Norway._

There. That didn't sound too pushy. Did it? Suddenly she had second thoughts and tried desperately to find the sent file and delete it before it reached this guy's folder-too late.

"Noooo!" Elsa whined softly as a tone sounded notifying her that her message had been delivered successfully.

She sat back with her head against her pale blue pillows, her eyes falling on old memories. The two dolls Anna and Elsa had played with as kids lay on the end of h,the white sheets of the four poster. She picked them up tenderly. They were both the spitting image of the sisters, a red haired princess in an olive frock for Anna, a blonde princess in an ultramarine gown for Elsa. They're parents had had them specially made from a man in the mountains, Oliver? Oaken? She couldn't quite remember the name, but recalled the joy as they were presented with them one Christmas. She smiled blissfully at the memory, but quickly dropped the dolls as she heard the sound of an incoming message from one of her recipients.

It was him! Jack Frost! She eagerly opened it and was greeted by the following email:

 _Dear Elsa,_

 _Thanks for writing! I appreciate anyone who takes the time to believe I exist._

 _Your story touches my frozen heart, unfortunately I have a cold, ( if you find that hard to beleve!) and annot catch the next upward drift to Norway anytime soon. I have to stay in bed attending to my princely duties-eating ice cream and make frosty window men._

 _Sincerely, Jack Frost_

 _PS: You don't need to take the time to write my initials Queenie, so just stick to my full title. I'm not that important ;)_

The nerve! Talking to her as though she were a perfect stranger, or a casual friend. Plus, he hadn't really answered her question! Any of them for that matter. He hadn't followed through with her friend's request idea. Elsa slowly began to feel her icy fingers typing into her email box.

 _Dear Mr. JACK FROST._

 _I just recieved your letter but you did not accept nor even reply to my invitation. I am merely trying to make a friend that I have never had in my entire life. A "bestie," if ylu will._

 _Signed:_

 _Elsa, (or Queen Elsa. And do not call me Queenie please, I find it rather impertinent.)_

There! That ought to show him!

 _Dear E_

 _Why would U want me to be ur bestie? Surely uv got enuff besties r1ing around in that castle of urs._

 _Luv JF 3_

Elsa felt herself blush in rage. Unlike most she tinged purple when she was msd and she was aware how ridiculous she looked which only made her more furious. Her fingers swiftly began typing again.

 _Dear JF_

 _I will have to ask you to stop referring to me as just my initial. It's extremely informal and I hate it. If you wish to call me Elsa, that is completely fine, however no Es Els's ir Queenies please. It gets on my nerves and believe me you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I don't want to freeze my sim card by freaking out at my screen._

 _Please stop calling me names I don't like. Now I shall ask again. Will you or will you not accept my friends request?_

SEND!

Elsa untangled her braid and slipped her dress over her shoulders, leaving her in bright lacy underwear.

"Hey Elsa! My WiFi password isn't working, I think the netwirks down again because of the cold w-w-w-w-weather..."

Elsa turned around and yelped trying to cover herself up. Kristoff yelped too covering his eyes and running out of the room, trying to cover his raging nosebleed.

Elsa flushed again as she pulled on a lacy nightgown and brushed out her hair into wavy folds.

 _Ding_!

Elsa snapped to attention as she saw the message notification appear.

She read the email carefully.

 _LOL Sure thing Elsie I'll be ur friend . No probs! :) xxxxxx_

"GOD DAMMIT!"

And with that, she threw her laptop against the wall.


	5. A HeartwarmingHeartfreezing Ending

**Last Chapter! Sorry guys but I'm fresh out of ideas! However if you wish to see more, I will gladly hand this idea over to you readers and you can continue the adventures of the Princesses, Ice Master and Creatures of Arendelle as they discover new things about the Internet. A decision to which I'm sure I will come to regret heavily as no doubt SOME of you *looks at zuess* will spawn all kinds of Rule 34, fetish, Lemon and Yaoi stories which will freeze or scorch the screen.**

"Elsa! Elsa!" came the excited cries of Anna skipping merrily down the halls, occasionally apologising to maids and servants she bumped into.

"EELLLLSSSAAAA!"

The heels of the princess's jade shoes skidded across the carpet outside Elsa's bedroom door. She did her trademark knock, just like she had done all those years before, back when her sister hadn't been so welcoming and close.

"Elsa? Do you wanna build a snowman?" she sang teasingly into the keyhole. A slight guffaw came from behind the locked white wood.

"Come in Anna.!"

Anna swung the door open to find Elsa hard at work at her grand desk, which was piled with books, bottles of spilled ink, royal blue and emerald green and blood red ink. Her window ledge was covered in candles and a small green lamp glowed softly over her 'parchment. Yes, electricity finding it's way to Arendelle certainly had it's privileges.

"Hey Sis! Busy?"

"Yes, actually," replied the Queen who continued to dip her periwinkle quill into a miniature jar of silver ink and write in quick, elongated letters.

"I am sending a formal letter to the New World."

"Ooh, that place with the stripy flag full of stars?" said Anna leaning over her sister's shoulder.

"That is correct." Elsa told her, "one for each territory."

"Oh, let me see!" said Anna reaching over the desk spilling the ink weld and scattering the papers,

"Anna please don't make a mess!" Elsa said cringing as she carefully wiped the corner of her parchment which had been stained grey.

"Who's Mr J Frost?" Anna said squinting at the paper.

"Uh Uh! No, dear sister, that is private."

Anna looked puzzled and then began snickering. "It's a boy isn't it?"

"That's what the Mr title insinuates, Yes."

" Ooh, la la! El-saaaa!" Anna playfully dug her older sibling in the ribs. "Is he handsome?"

"He's decent. That was all I got from his profile photo."

"Profile? You met him online?!" ELSA! You said you'd never be caught dead on one of those courting websites!" Anna laughed.

Elsa grimaced. "I had a little-accident with my laptop."

"Accident? What kind of I accident?"

"I may have damaged-anyway. Look, it doesn't matter, just-It's private business okay?"

"Elsa, if you had a date, you could have just said so!" Anna smirked with a little wink.

"It is NOT that, Little Miss Nosy." Elsa snapped, freezing the desk a little before she softened, "iy's just-I need a friend okay. And this Jack Frost guy-Well. It looks like he has the same kind of ice powers as me, and I thought maybe if I could write to him, I would know I wasn't alone in the world. Besides he has already agreed to be my friend. He seems sweet and I could use that in my life right now."

"Daaw, Elsa. You ARE sweet! I'm sure you would make a great pen pal. You and me could practise writing and slang and stuff. I learnt some great things! Something about a hash-brown label? And Marco Polo's brother except he spelt his surname with a Y."

"The Internet is very confusing," sighed Elsa wearily. She screwed the cap back onto her ink weld and brought out an envelope.

"Oh, can I see you do the seal! Pleeeeeaassse!?"

"Alright," said Elsa giggling.

"Do the Magic, Do the Magic!" squealed Anna in a mock-baby voice.

"Grow up!" laughed Elsa, "Ready?"

Anna nodded excitedly. Elsa stamped the letter with a navy seal and then waved her delicate fingers very slowly and steadily over it. White sparks began to creep from her nails onto the paper, which changed into bright blue lights holding the tiniest of ice segments. With a final dash and a bright blast of snow and light, a duck-egg blue ribbon appeared along with a snowflake embalm over the seal.

Elsa opened the window and whistled, and then called, "Hedwig!" A snowy owl appeared allowing the envelope to be attached to a purse on it's leg.

"Take this to the nearest shipping office for the New World, please. Oh and have this one be dropped at the Southern Isles, don't mix up the two now!"

Hedwig nodded and flew off with both messages, whilst Anna looked on suspiciously.

"I thought we weren't trading with the Southern Isles anymore."

"We're not " grinned Elsa wickedly, "But Sven made his leavings this morning and I wanted to make sure I sent Prince Hans a sincere message."

Anna looked shocked. Then she burst out laughing, setting off Elsa who clutched her stomach.

"Speaking of Hans," said Anna as she recovered, "I read the oddest fanfic the other day!"

"Oh God-Anna!"

"He was exiled back to his own kingdom and discovered he had fire powers!"

"Oh, yeah that's all we need!" shuddered Elsa.

"Can't remember it's name-Fire Prince? Scorched? Meh! Still awesome! You kick his little ember-burning behind in the end!"

"Do I indeed?" Elsa couldn't help but chuckle.

"Yeah. It was written by a raven!"

"Ravens can't write Anna."

"Well, this one can! Really good at it too! Anyway, I've had it with said fire princes. I'm more into-" she smiled looking out of the open door to see Kristoff walking down the hall whistling, "Ice Guys."

"And no more FanFictions! Well. Tell him thanks for getting the new shipments in so quickly. But he still needs to speed up when working."

Anna giggled as she left the room, "You know what they say, Ice Guys, finish last!"

Elsa smiled to herself as her sister left, thinking back to the wordy letter she had sent to Jack Frost. He seemed like a cool guy, (no pun intended) and she did need a friend. Badly. *************************************************************************************************"Kristoff!"

The ice harvester turned to see his beloved standing in the most beautiful olive green dress and ribbons, her orange hair swinging in plaits off her shoulders.

"Anna, Hey!"

She pranced over to him and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Elsa says thanks."

Kristoff instantly looked anxious. "Uhh-What for?"

Anna waggled her eyebrows at him. "You know?"

"Eggrh! Anna I'm so So Sorry! Elsa was changing, I walked in stupidly without knocking, my WiFi was down! Oh God!" he put his boulders of fists over his blonde hair and the back of his head before dragging them back to his eyes. "But Nothing Happened! I Swear!"

Anna looked at him. He recognised that gaze all too well. It was the one she gave to him when he told her that all men pick their nose and eat it.

Also when he told her Coachella wouldn't be coming to Arendelle.

"What are you talking about?" she asked arms firmly folded across her tulip patterned dress.

"Uhhhhh-What are you talking about?" Kristoff grinned nervously.

"You saw my sister in her underwear?" Anna said, still looking cross.

Kristoff looked down shamefully. "Yes."

"Was she-curvaceous?" questioned the princess. "Did she look better than me-you don't have to lie! I won't be mad!"

Kristoff smiled warmly and brought his lady's face in catching her in a kiss. "No one could ever be as beautiful as you, my Sweet Snowdrop."

Anna's heart had already been thawed once, but now an extra layer of ice had melted away. "Aww! I love you too, my Big Grumpy Mountain Man!"

"And I should know, I've seen many naked girls!"

"What?!"

Crap! Quick as a flash he undid a small bag and dashed what looked like violet pixie-dust onto Anna's forehead.

"Aww, I love you too, my Big Grumpy Mountain Man! See you at dinner in the Great Hall tonight!" she skipped away, getting her dress momentarily caught in one of the armoured knight's swords.

Kristoff smiled after her and then grinned at the small bag in his hands. Sometimes being raised by a family of love expert trolls who had the power to erase memories had it's perks!" ************************************************************************************************Elsa sat across her bed, laying back with her new Kindle Ice (Anna and Kristoff had ordered a little something from Abay,) content with her new dress that wasn't one of her stress ones. Olaf and Sven were delightedly riding the corridors.

"Onward Sven! Let us become a Viral Infection for thousands of commenters we don't even know!"

Elsa shook her head happily as she scrolled through her music, videos and newly recorded song, "Let it Slide," which taught kids hype is a harmless thing until it gets too out of control.

The lyrics were as followed.

 _Let it Slide_

 _Let it Slide_

 _Remember others have opinions too_

 _Let it Slide_

 _Let it Slide_

 _The world doesn't revolve around you_

 _We got one film, and a song or two_

 _Let the hype rage on_

 _You'll eventually move on to something new_

Suddenly, an new notification told her she had an incoming email. Jack Frost! She read it with ease.

 _Hey Elsie, Care to Explain This?!_

Attached was an envelope full of-Oh No! That means Hans had a letter full of sob stories about how she had a tutor who quit after she froze the strings of her violin while she was teenager!

"HEDWIG!"

She was pissed. Really Really Ticked Off, and to make things worse the Internet was mocking her again, including some poser who thought he would take a break from dancing to the 1950s and start jabbing a finger at her number 1 single.

"CAN SOMEBODY TELL THIS IDIOTIC, LEATHER-JACKET CLAD GREASED UP HAIR IMBECILE THAT MY NAME IS NOT ADELE DAZEEM!"

The End.

 **Well, hope you all enjoyed my adorably strange story! May Disney forgive me! XD Oh by the way did you like that little John Travolta reference?**

 **I loved writing Anna and Elsa's parts, I like the way they work off each other in the film, it seemed very genuine, so I decided to mirror that in my FanFiction. :) Please Review. Like Really Review! Pleeeeeeaase! I promise I won't send you a package of reindeer doo-doo!**

 **Well, have a great** **day or evening depending on what part of the world you are reading this in! :)**


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